Well ok so his name wasnt Polly
but whatever he is hes amazing
have you ever met someone and the minute you see them
your heart just stops and you just cant stop smiling?
Well thats what happened to me
Honestly when i first meet a person theres alot of things i look for
manners
how the person talks
if they seem genuine
if they actually care
if theres chemistry
blah blah blah
and i felt all of it instantly
it was crazy
hes so geniune and caring and sweet and talented and well rounded
and who can forget a total babe
i always used to watch him play and i was so shy i never approached him
even then my heart stopped watching him
i always hoped that hed know i was there at his shows and id stand out
but as fate has it he found my myspace
and he couldnt have found me at a better time
right when i was frustrated with everyone and depressed and lost hope
there he was
and im really hoping hell be around for a long time
so keep your fingers crossed
i want to stay feeling this way
its a great feeling to feel appreciated and that someone cares and thinks your beautiful
and i feel 100 percent the same
<3
i cant what to see what the future has to offer
granted if the world doesnt end in 2012 ^_~
Monday, May 25, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Nikki Of love
One of my friends has just started this whole blogging dealio and told me that its good for the soul to vent and all that...so i thought it give it a go.
yeah he has one of these and im sure many of you know him but for the sake of this blog well call him "talon". Yes its an unusual name but i just read an unusual book
Anyway im here today boys and girls to rant about love
or in my case..lack of!
It all started at the fun age of 11
i was in summer camp (cause my mom said i had to meet people) because i just moved here from Illinois, and immediatly i was picked as the girl to rag on. I hung out with this click every day and the more they were mean and hated me the more i wanted them to like me. So i put up with them treating me like crap pretty much every day of camp. Theyd tell me how dumb i dress, or how i was ugly, or to short, and eventually in the end i gave up. Now the whole click wasnt SUPER mean but there was a girl in peticular who was, and for my blog sake well call her Chelsea. Her real name brings anger in me so this will do. Anyway she was the BIGGEST bitch to me in the world and she really made me feel like shit and made me shy and upset and wanting to move back.
Im sure your wondering what this has to do with love but im freaking getting there so chill!!!
so a couple years pass and now im 13
i am still an outcast and a loser and lacking friends
Well my dad comes home from work and says a friend of his is coming over and they have two kids
well call them samora and Rockstar
the minute i saw rockstar my heart STOPPED
he was beautiful and i saw right into his heart and he seemed genuine
but once again i was very shy and his sister samora intruiged me
Now i was still a loser at 13 and i had a bad habit of talking to fast when i was scared and blinking alot
soooo naturally she thought i was a cereal killer, but our parents had us hang out alot and we became rather fond of eachother and i considered her my best friend
now many years go down the road.
14- first bf. we date for a year and he was the first to break my heart
15-still recovering
16- dated quite a few bfs all being douche bags and making me lose hope
17-meet a punk guy and slowly end up dating him even tho he was rahter old for my age
18 still with punk guy but see a nasty side of him and becomes a scared dominated puppy all over again
19- single and as fate works its nasty magic i somehow get in contact with rockstar again
my dads friend came over who we hadnt seen in years
and told me to call samora and rockstar again and they wanted to talk to me
now i hadnt seen them since i was about 13 or 14 and man had i missed ALOT
samora was married at a young age and already thinking divorce and a little later on preggers
and as for my beloved rockstar he had fallen for a girl and had a daughter.
Now heres where the plot thickens.
guess who the babies mama is? Why its none other then chelsea!!! the girl who made me feel awful about myself and now she had taken my first crush
it was like her last hurrah to prove she was better then me
and she had power and i HATED IT! No one told me rockstar and her broke up and i was to broken hearted to call, but then when i saw somora again we talked alot and caught up and she told me they broke up!
Turns out she cheated on him and he even bought her a house and proposed
still the same chelsea i remembered
a heartless bitch who once again used people to get what she wanted
well couple weeks later rockstar ends up seeing me
i was soo scared to see him again
i wondered what he looked like
if he ever liked me
ever thought about me
missed me
i got ready for hours and i was soo scared
then the doorbell rings and i see him
my heart stops and he looks at me like a stranger
he finally saw me as beautiful
and just seeing that smile again made me feel the happiest id been in years
it took my whole awful past with guys away and i was HAPPY
well he stayed for a little while and then i gave him a quick hug goodbye
the sweet smell of his cologne drawing me even closer to him
god knows i wanted more but i had no courage and i later found out he had a new gf named "penny"
so now MORE drama. we still saw eachother ALL the time
and in the back of my mind i knew it was wrong because he was with penny
hed text me saying not to text cause hed be with Penny
how awful is that?!?!?
but my dumbass agreed and then something even i never imagined happened
he cheated
im not going to say as to how far we went but even i was shocked
i didnt think he was like that
yet at the same time i was sooo happy because never in my wildest dreams did i think that would happen
but after that night our beautiful new friendship changed
about a month later him and penny broke up
SHE dumped HIM, and she never even know about us
she said he never saw her and he probably wouldnt care...and the truth is he probably was releived
Well now that rockstar was available i thought it was my time to shine
boy was i wrong
he said he no longer wanted to date
WTF?!?!?!
I WAS SHOCKED
he said hed love to date me and here he is single and he rejects me!
my heart dropped
and right then and there all my happiness left in a split second
but my dumbass heart still wanted to see him
and we still hung out often
hed kiss me
tell me how beautiful i was
and i had fallen head over heels for him
to the point of even writing him songs!!
Thats a big thing for me
anyway...
now im head over heels and he constantly reminds me were just friends
so i said fuck it
in my heart i feel like we have something so special and amazing and i finally found someone i can be myself around and of course i cant fully have him. So then to take my mind off of him i started going on a bunch of dates with decent guys i suppose. Well rockstar finds out and FLIPS!!!
For someone who wont date me then why is he mad? i thought it was what he wanted
so now i was left even more confused
im stuck in a horrible place
im on a short leash
i cant date other guys cause my heart goes to rockstar
but i cant be with him so alas im left alone
Maybe it wasnt meant to ever be
look at all the obstacles
our parents know eachother
his sister hates me now for loving her brother (guess she lost alot of friends this way and i feel awful)
and not to mention him being bonded to chelsea for life
i felt awful because i couldnt even talk to his kid
it had nothing to do with resembling chelsea( well maybe a little)
but mainly because it was a huge part of someone i care deeply about
and it scares me
and shes so sweet and innocent and looks SOOO much like her mom
i just get flashbacks everytime i see the girl
shes beautiful and sweet and i think rockstar would be lost without her
but at the same time my stomch sinks
when i thought of who i wanted to be my love
i pictured a fresh start
i wanted to have the guy love me and do anything for me
and marry me and have my child
if she wouldnt have cheated he wouldnt of seen me as anything
so im second best
just like my last relationship ( he was divorced and couldnt let go of the past)
so my heart is completely hurt
and it feels beyond numb to the point of im blank
i wish i could find someone else
cause i feel like my unhappiness wont end unless hes out of my life and i forget his name
and existence
everytime i see him its SO amazing and i cant stop smiling and neither can he
but then he wont be with me
he just fucks with my head and i dont deserve this
not many 19 yr old girls would want to "women up "and take the responsibility but i would !
Id do anything for love
and he doesnt realize it so....
here i am
alone and still confused
and this is why i need my own reality tv show
i want some guys like daisy of love
london
sinister
chi chi
etc
i know im a caring, talented, pretty person
but even my image of myself fades when im the only one who can see the good qualities i have
i dont want a fling
i want someone who wants to be in my life
and if you want to try
let me know
and one more thing
start complimenting people
sometimes it can save someones life
and thats all for now
thank you for all who read
-Nikki Suicide
yeah he has one of these and im sure many of you know him but for the sake of this blog well call him "talon". Yes its an unusual name but i just read an unusual book
Anyway im here today boys and girls to rant about love
or in my case..lack of!
It all started at the fun age of 11
i was in summer camp (cause my mom said i had to meet people) because i just moved here from Illinois, and immediatly i was picked as the girl to rag on. I hung out with this click every day and the more they were mean and hated me the more i wanted them to like me. So i put up with them treating me like crap pretty much every day of camp. Theyd tell me how dumb i dress, or how i was ugly, or to short, and eventually in the end i gave up. Now the whole click wasnt SUPER mean but there was a girl in peticular who was, and for my blog sake well call her Chelsea. Her real name brings anger in me so this will do. Anyway she was the BIGGEST bitch to me in the world and she really made me feel like shit and made me shy and upset and wanting to move back.
Im sure your wondering what this has to do with love but im freaking getting there so chill!!!
so a couple years pass and now im 13
i am still an outcast and a loser and lacking friends
Well my dad comes home from work and says a friend of his is coming over and they have two kids
well call them samora and Rockstar
the minute i saw rockstar my heart STOPPED
he was beautiful and i saw right into his heart and he seemed genuine
but once again i was very shy and his sister samora intruiged me
Now i was still a loser at 13 and i had a bad habit of talking to fast when i was scared and blinking alot
soooo naturally she thought i was a cereal killer, but our parents had us hang out alot and we became rather fond of eachother and i considered her my best friend
now many years go down the road.
14- first bf. we date for a year and he was the first to break my heart
15-still recovering
16- dated quite a few bfs all being douche bags and making me lose hope
17-meet a punk guy and slowly end up dating him even tho he was rahter old for my age
18 still with punk guy but see a nasty side of him and becomes a scared dominated puppy all over again
19- single and as fate works its nasty magic i somehow get in contact with rockstar again
my dads friend came over who we hadnt seen in years
and told me to call samora and rockstar again and they wanted to talk to me
now i hadnt seen them since i was about 13 or 14 and man had i missed ALOT
samora was married at a young age and already thinking divorce and a little later on preggers
and as for my beloved rockstar he had fallen for a girl and had a daughter.
Now heres where the plot thickens.
guess who the babies mama is? Why its none other then chelsea!!! the girl who made me feel awful about myself and now she had taken my first crush
it was like her last hurrah to prove she was better then me
and she had power and i HATED IT! No one told me rockstar and her broke up and i was to broken hearted to call, but then when i saw somora again we talked alot and caught up and she told me they broke up!
Turns out she cheated on him and he even bought her a house and proposed
still the same chelsea i remembered
a heartless bitch who once again used people to get what she wanted
well couple weeks later rockstar ends up seeing me
i was soo scared to see him again
i wondered what he looked like
if he ever liked me
ever thought about me
missed me
i got ready for hours and i was soo scared
then the doorbell rings and i see him
my heart stops and he looks at me like a stranger
he finally saw me as beautiful
and just seeing that smile again made me feel the happiest id been in years
it took my whole awful past with guys away and i was HAPPY
well he stayed for a little while and then i gave him a quick hug goodbye
the sweet smell of his cologne drawing me even closer to him
god knows i wanted more but i had no courage and i later found out he had a new gf named "penny"
so now MORE drama. we still saw eachother ALL the time
and in the back of my mind i knew it was wrong because he was with penny
hed text me saying not to text cause hed be with Penny
how awful is that?!?!?
but my dumbass agreed and then something even i never imagined happened
he cheated
im not going to say as to how far we went but even i was shocked
i didnt think he was like that
yet at the same time i was sooo happy because never in my wildest dreams did i think that would happen
but after that night our beautiful new friendship changed
about a month later him and penny broke up
SHE dumped HIM, and she never even know about us
she said he never saw her and he probably wouldnt care...and the truth is he probably was releived
Well now that rockstar was available i thought it was my time to shine
boy was i wrong
he said he no longer wanted to date
WTF?!?!?!
I WAS SHOCKED
he said hed love to date me and here he is single and he rejects me!
my heart dropped
and right then and there all my happiness left in a split second
but my dumbass heart still wanted to see him
and we still hung out often
hed kiss me
tell me how beautiful i was
and i had fallen head over heels for him
to the point of even writing him songs!!
Thats a big thing for me
anyway...
now im head over heels and he constantly reminds me were just friends
so i said fuck it
in my heart i feel like we have something so special and amazing and i finally found someone i can be myself around and of course i cant fully have him. So then to take my mind off of him i started going on a bunch of dates with decent guys i suppose. Well rockstar finds out and FLIPS!!!
For someone who wont date me then why is he mad? i thought it was what he wanted
so now i was left even more confused
im stuck in a horrible place
im on a short leash
i cant date other guys cause my heart goes to rockstar
but i cant be with him so alas im left alone
Maybe it wasnt meant to ever be
look at all the obstacles
our parents know eachother
his sister hates me now for loving her brother (guess she lost alot of friends this way and i feel awful)
and not to mention him being bonded to chelsea for life
i felt awful because i couldnt even talk to his kid
it had nothing to do with resembling chelsea( well maybe a little)
but mainly because it was a huge part of someone i care deeply about
and it scares me
and shes so sweet and innocent and looks SOOO much like her mom
i just get flashbacks everytime i see the girl
shes beautiful and sweet and i think rockstar would be lost without her
but at the same time my stomch sinks
when i thought of who i wanted to be my love
i pictured a fresh start
i wanted to have the guy love me and do anything for me
and marry me and have my child
if she wouldnt have cheated he wouldnt of seen me as anything
so im second best
just like my last relationship ( he was divorced and couldnt let go of the past)
so my heart is completely hurt
and it feels beyond numb to the point of im blank
i wish i could find someone else
cause i feel like my unhappiness wont end unless hes out of my life and i forget his name
and existence
everytime i see him its SO amazing and i cant stop smiling and neither can he
but then he wont be with me
he just fucks with my head and i dont deserve this
not many 19 yr old girls would want to "women up "and take the responsibility but i would !
Id do anything for love
and he doesnt realize it so....
here i am
alone and still confused
and this is why i need my own reality tv show
i want some guys like daisy of love
london
sinister
chi chi
etc
i know im a caring, talented, pretty person
but even my image of myself fades when im the only one who can see the good qualities i have
i dont want a fling
i want someone who wants to be in my life
and if you want to try
let me know
and one more thing
start complimenting people
sometimes it can save someones life
and thats all for now
thank you for all who read
-Nikki Suicide
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